Using a Warrant (Not the Band

I'm sitting here thinking of 1984.  I can smell it: hairspray (Gen X was solely responsible for the hole in the ozone layer, I contend), Marlboro cigarettes and other things that have a grassy, smoky aroma, Jordache perfume, diesel fuel.  It is my own warrant to speak of this time, and let me tell you, I do and often.  After reading "Tesla Matters (Dude)" all I can think of is this: what are our warrants?  How do we utilize them in our writing?  Do they put folks off? Draw them in?  When, and in what kind of writing, do we use them?

I would contend nonfiction deems them critical to the power of our message.  Let me prove this: how often have you been reading along, innocently accepting the message (or maybe trepidatiously) when BAM.  There it is.  A cultural misstep.  That is NOT what Reagan said, or Clinton, or Bush--the timeline is totally off--no one would have worn those shoes then . . .

(Yep, I totally just used all of the devices we talked about today.)

A professor I had once upon a time (her name was mentioned in class this afternoon) taught me something like this once.  It went something like: never break the suspension of disbelief with your audience.  You lose them.  Badly.

You know the moment.  You read the book.  And then?  There it is, the popcorn halfway up to your mouth, your feet jauntily hooked onto the chair in front of you, and there it is.  Bastards. Sophie (The Da Vinci Code) has a brother?  What the?  That was not in the book.  You look around, expecting riotous indignation from your fellow moviegoers.  Nothing.  Yet you have psychically left the building.  Over and out.  Suspension?  Nope.  Disbelief?  Yep.  The rest is just, well, garbage. I am personally still bitter about every single Stephen-King-book-turned-movie I have ever seen.  (One of the only screenplays he has written is Maximum Overdrive.  The others were Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. Stellar.)

No warrant.  You can't  come in.  That is our right as readers, though, I believe.  To refuse entry when we call qualitative bullshit.

And yes.  I have cursed more than once in this blog.  Why?  Because I am about to use a warrant, and there is no way you would buy me if I came off as a pretentious, ivy-league prof.

It was 1984 and the Cradle Will Rock tour hit hard, right on the heels of the Back in Black tour (AC/DC, folks).  I had no intention of ever working for "the man" and had even less intention of staying chemically lucid for more than, well, five or ten minutes.  The t-shirt was black and had SEX DRUGS AND ROCK AND ROLL emblazoned across the front, and it was about two years before most of us had even heard the word "aids."  And I was ruuunnning.  (Little Forest Gump for you there.) Smart kid, lost, angry, scared, with a serious Peter Pan complex and no vision of my thirties.  Kids like yourselves made no sense to me.  How did they study and mind and cut their hair and eat their Wheaties? No way, man.  Sunlight hurt my eyes and Walt Disney was blasphemy to my soul.  Purposefully, vehemently, I threw away my childhood when I threw up my lighter to David Lee Rothe in crimson spandex.  Part of me is still back there, waiting for the lights to come up and force me out into the street.  Strangely, all the songs and all the bands and all the beer-soaked nights add up to this one moment in my teenage wasteland:

And when some local kid gets down
They try an' drum him outta town
They say, "Ya coulda least faked it, boy"
Fake it, boy (Ooh, stranger, boy)
At an early age he hits the street
Winds up tied with who he meets
An' he's unemployed--his folks are overjoyed.

But here I am, Dr. PD, thirty years later, talking about warrants.  I suppose I could have just "faked it," but I think I learned the regret of that decades ago.

And so.  I begin sentences with and.  And do a lot of ---- stuff like that.  Proper English?  Um, no.  But it's in line with the signature on my warrant.  I wonder, do we ever know the voice in our heads without examining the paperwork . . .